Hotel's Clerk Jokes

If you search information about travel tips anywhere, you can always find some guides about hotel and lodging. It's pretty understandable, as staying in bad hotel can ruin the whole traveling experience, whether if someone is on vacation or business trip.

Now, even when you're staying at a luxury suite of a five-stars hotel, bad moments still can happen, especially regarding the hotel's services. Below are some jokes about argumentation between travelers and hotel's clerks, which obviously not based on a real experience.



Wake-Up Call

One night at an economy motel, a guest ordered a 6 a.m. wake-up call. The next morning, he woke before 6, but the phone did not ring until 6:30.

"Good morning," a young man said. "This is your wake-up call."

Annoyed, he let the motel worker have it. "You were supposed to call me at 6!, what if I had a million-dollar deal to close this morning, and your oversight made me miss out on it?"

"Well, sir," the desk clerk quickly replied, "if you had a million-dollar deal to close, you wouldn't have been staying in this motel, would you?"



One-Night Rate

A not so rich couple decided to stay at a very exclusive hotel for a night. The manager immediately recognized them for what they are but could not throw them out, instead he decided to be clever. In the morning the couple came to settle the bill and were surprised to find they owe $3000.

"How's this? We've only been here one night!" the man was annoyed.

"So?", said the manager, "this is a very expensive hotel. We have golf courts, tennis courts, swimming pools, exercise rooms, bars and restaurants, all this is very expensive to keep up."

"But we didn't use any of these!" explained the couple.

"If you didn't use - that's your problem," came the reply.

"In that case, you owe me $2000. You see, my wife is a call girl who charges $5000 a night, so please settle your bill," said the man. "What do you mean?" the manager was taken off guard, "I didn't sleep with your wife!"

"If yo u didn't use - that's your problem!"


Dog is Allowed

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation. He wrote:"I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"

An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, "I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too."



Traveler's Wife

A traveler pulls into a hotel around midnight and asks the clerk for a single room. As the clerk fills out the paperwork, the man looks around and sees a gorgeous blonde sitting in the lobby. He tells the clerk to wait while he disappears into the lobby. After a minute he comes back, with the girl on his arm.

"Fancy meeting my wife here," he says to the clerk. "Guess I'll need a double room for the night."

Next morning, he comes to settle his bill, and finds the amount to be over $3000. "What's the meaning of this?" he yells at the clerk. "I've only been here one night!"

"Yes," says the clerk, "but your wife has been here for three weeks."

Sports Also Have Jokes

Ice Hockey's Field

A drunk decides to go ice fishing, so he gathers his gear and goes walking around until he finds a big patch of ice. He heads into the center of the ice and begins to saw a hole. All of sudden, a loud booming voice comes out of the sky. "You will find no fish under that ice."

The drunk looks around, but sees no one. He starts sawing again. Once more, the voice speaks, "As I said before, there are no fish under the ice."

The drunk looks all around, high and low, but can't see a single soul. He picks up the saw and tries one more time to finish.

Before he can even start cutting, the huge voice interrupts. "I have warned you three times now. There are no fish!"

The drunk is now flustered and somewhat scared, so he asks the voice, "How do you know there are no fish? Are you God trying to warn me?"

"No", the voice replied. "I am the manager of this hockey rink."




Team's Mascot

A championship football team was away playing in the country. After the match, the bus they were travelling in was involved in a serious accident. The driver, the coach and all the players were killed. The only survivor was the mascot - a chimpanzee.

Soon after the disaster, investigators came to determine the cause of the accident. They were interviewing the chimp, who was giving his answers in sign language

"Just before the crash, what was the driver doing?" The chimp made signs to show drinking and smoking.

"And what was the coach doing before the crash?" More signs of drinking and smoking.

"Then what was the rest of the team doing?" Actions of drinking, smoking and general carry on.

"This is terrible. They must have been having some kind of party on the bus. And what about you? What were you doing just before the crash?" The chimp made actions like driving a bus.

Marriage (In Men's Eyes)

Just because we often post satire jokes about marriage, doesn't mean that we are against it. They're just a fair warning that people will change, no matter how you think you knew them. So, never rush it to say "until death do us apart".

Here are some funny short jokes about the Beauty of Marriage:


My wife dresses to kill. She also cooks the same way.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, “There was water in the carburetor.”
I asked her , “Where’s the car?” She replied, “In the lake.”

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, “You know, I was a fool when I married you.”
The husband replied, “Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice.”

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months – I don’t like to interrupt her.

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?”
The father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”



Young Son: Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.

Then there was a man who said, “I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; then it was too late.

A man placed an ad in the classifieds: “Wife wanted.”
The next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same : “You can have mine.”

A woman was telling her friend, “I made my husband a millionaire.”
“And what was he before you married him?” asked the friend.
“A billionaire.” she replied,

A man, upon his engagement, went to his father and said,” Dad! I’ve found a woman just like mother”
His father replied, “So what do you want? sympathy?”

Our Favorite Jokes are Blonde Jokes

We don't really know why people always associate blonde with dumb, as you can see in many humor sites always have a special section called blonde jokes. Personally, we love blonde girls, so we hope these jokes don't offend them in any way.


Paint Job

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

This picture is just for illustration, not to point at particular blonde

The Circle

A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she accidentally cut off a large truck. The driver was outraged and was eventually able to make her pull over.
He got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to the blonde in his most threatening voice, "Stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE!"
He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats.
When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, "Oh you think that's funny? Watch this!"
He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car.
When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face.
Now he's getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires.
Now she's laughing.
The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets an extra can of diesel fuel, pours it on her car and sets it on fire.
He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down.
"What's so funny?" the truck driver asked the blonde.
She replied, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle!"



Because I'm Blonde?

A girl came skipping home FROM school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, 8, 9, 10!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home FROM school. "Mommy, Mommy," She yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A,b, c, d, e, f, g!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home FROM school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.

"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"

"No, Honey, it's because you're 25."

Funny Math in Life

Math is obviously not fun for most people. Nevertheless, it's very important, thus every school must has it on syllabus. The reason why math is necessary is because we use it on daily life, not just for scientific purpose. These are some situations in romance and works that can be described in mathematical equations:


ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy





OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime


SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.

A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.


GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Marriage, Isn't it Beautiful?

Here are some marriage jokes. If you want to get married soon, I hope these humors don't change your mind!

0 to 200 in 6 seconds

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.



Spaghetti

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years.

One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy,
he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

"Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today."

"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.

The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."



My Rules

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night.. whether you're here or not."



Marriage Lessons

On their 40th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.

"Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?"

Tom responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness --and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single."

Your Children's Job at The Future According to Their Talent

Do you know how important to know the talent of your child at early? And these jobs might be perfect for them according to their talents and what they love to do at the childhood.

Bartender

Because he knows how to mix the beverages.

Celebrity

Because she knows how to attract attention, especially paparazzi.

Chef

Because he likes to taste anything that can be eat, include the foot of dog that might he cook for a delicious meal.

Marketer

Because he knows how to show which part of the ads that really work for marketing.

Bomb-makers

Because he knows how to make a thing to be fall apart.

Racer

Falling doesn't matter, racing is just what he loves.

Sumo Athlete

As you it is seen on the picture, he doesn't afraid to battle even with the big one

Dancer

Because she ask everything to dance with her.

Archaeologist

He likes to investigate the things that related with bone.

Veterinarian

Because he never feel nasty to animal even the dirty one.

Doctor

Because he can give anatomy lesson even if it is to early for him.

Photographer

Because he knows the things that's always interesting to be pictured and how to take it from good angle.

Housewife

or a househusband for exactly, because he loves to clean the kitchen

Party Queen

Because she loves to be in a crowd of the party beside its beverages of course.

Beer Shop Owner

Because he knows how to offer a drink to the other.

Sprinter

Because what he love is nothing else but running.

Soldier

Just see how high she lift her foot.

Paparazzi

Because he knows which hot news that good to be exposed.

Gangster

Whether the bottle is empty or not, you should worry about the environment of your home when your children can get that stuff at the public place. Just move away if you don't want your son be a gangster.

Rocker

His make up will tell you what he want to be.

That's all for Your Children's Job at The Future According to Their Talent, hope it's funny enough for you to smile.

Not The Real Acronyms of Automobile

AUDI: A Used Dodge Incognito
BMW: Bavarian Money Waster
BUICK: Big Ugly Idiot's Cat Killer
CHEVROLET: Can Hear Every Valve Rattle, Oil Leaks Every Time
CHEVY: Cheapest Heap Ever Visualized Yet
CHRYSLER: Chrysler Has Raped Your Sanity Loser - Expect Repercussions
DAEWOO: Damn Asian Engineering Works Only Occasionally
DODGE: Dear Old Dad's Garbage Engine
FIAT: Fix It Again, Tony



FORD: Ford Owners Recommend Dodge
GM: Genital Motors
HONDA: Horribly Overpriced, Needing Dad's Assistance
HYUNDAI: Hang Your UNDerwear Anywhere Inside
JEEP: Junk Everyone Eventually Piles
KIA: Korean Industrial Accident
MITSUBISHI: Manufactured In Taiwan Sold Under British Influence Shipped Here Incomplete
MOPAR: Move Over People Are Racing
NISSAN: Need I Say Something About Nothing
OLDSMOBILE: Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick`s Irregular Leftover Equipment
PONTIAC: Plan On Numerous Trips In Another Car
FORD: Falling Off Road Daily
HONDA: High ON Do it All
GMC: Gay Man's Cadillac

The Key to Every Woman's Heart

A group of girlfriends go on vacation and see a five-story hotel with a sign that reads "for women only." Since they are without their boyfriends, they decide to go in.

The doorman, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you're looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide, since each floor has signs telling you what's on that floor. The only rule is, once you leave a floor, you can't return to it."

The women talk it over and decide to go for it.

They start going up, and on the first floor the sign reads, "All the men here are horrible lovers, but they are kind and sensitive."

The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads "All the men here are wonderful lovers, but they generally treat women badly."

This wasn't going to do, so again they head for the stairs.

The friends move up to the third floor where the sign reads "All the men here are great lovers and sensitive to the needs of women."

This was good but there are still two more floors so.........


So on to the fourth floor, and this sign seems perfect. "All the men here have perfect builds; are sensitive and attentive to women; are perfect lovers; they are also single, rich and straight."

The women are really pleased, but they decide that they would rather see what the FIFTH floor has to offer before they settle.

When they reach the fifth floor, there is only a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is simply no way to please a woman."

Jokes About Weight Lost

I don't have any idea, how many Jokes and Humors I have posted in this blog and I think it doesn't matter though but it really feel glad when you can make someone smiling or laugh, help them to forget all of their problem, fatigue or else although just for a while.

That's why it always interesting to post and post whether it is Jokes and Humors, Funny and Hilarious Poems or Funny Comics, I will try to keep doing that as long as people love it, so let's check the stories out.

Weight Lost

A foreigner tourist who spent his holiday in Japan interested to a diet advertisement which said, "Lost your weight for instant without any pills and side effect at all"

Package 1 : Lost 6 lbs in 2 hours, cost $50

Package 2 : Lost 6 lbs in 1,5 hours, cost $100

Package 3 : Lost 6 lbs in 1 hour, cost $200

The tourist tried package 1, he asked to be naked and enter the 600 square meters room where a beautiful naked woman has waited in there. The woman put a little poster on his breast which said "Catch Me and do whatever you wanna do", so he ran to catch the woman and failed until the time is up but he lost 6 lbs weight.

So he tried package 2, just like package one he asked to be naked and enter the room, just more narrow, 400 square meters room, where the two more beautiful naked women have waited in there, put on the same poster, and he still failed to catch one of the women but he lost 6 lbs weight.

He thought it will be more interesting to try package 3 and might succeed to catch the woman, so he was naked and entered the 150 square meters room where two naked gays have waited in there put on the poster which said "Watchout! I will do whatever I wanna do if I catch you".

Do you want to try the service to lost your weight for instant? I think you should try the package 3, it is the most instant way to lost your weight in my opinion.

Jokes about Man and Woman

Aaarrghhhh.... my brain is freezing, I can't think a fresh and fun creative ideas to post here. Only few jokes for this day....


Brains...

The patient's family gathered to hear what the specialists had to say.

"Things don't look good. The only chance is a brain transplant. This is an experimental procedure. It might work, but the bad news is that brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves."

"Well, how much does a brain cost?" asked the relatives.

"For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000."

Some of the younger male relatives tried to look shocked, but the men nodded in understanding, and a few actually smirked. Then the patient's daughter asked, "Why the difference in price between male brains and female brains?"

"A standard pricing practice," said the head of the team. "Women's brains have to be marked down because they are used."


A Matter Of Punctuation...

An English professor wrote the words,

"Woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.

The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."

The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."

The Car Accident...

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident, Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left but fortunately we are not hurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be really good friends."

The man thinking their might be a bright side to this, replied, "I agree with you completely."

The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely we must drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man shakes his head in agreement, opens it and takes a few very large swigs from the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police."

Australian Football Grand Final

A man with tickets to the AFL GRAND FINAL finds his seat and relaxes. As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No", he says. "The seat is empty."

"This is incredible," says the stranger. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the AFL GRAND FINAL and not use it?"

"Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first GRAND FINAL we haven't been to together since we got married in 1947."

The stranger replies, "Oh...I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. Couldn't you find someone else -- a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head, "No. They're all at the funeral."

Dictionaries for Couples

Men vs Women Jokes always interesting to listen, and it's always funny. You can check my post about Computer Gender for an example. Now, let's learn some simple english for understand better about what a man and woman thinking when they're telling you something.

The Man's Guide to Female English...

We need = I want
It’s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do what you want = You’ll pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
You’re...so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
You’re certainly attentive tonight! = Is sex all you ever think about?
I’m not emotional! And I’m not overreacting! = I’ve got my period
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper ...
I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white
Do you love me? = I’m going to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something today you’re not going to like



I’ll be ready in a minute = kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I’m beautiful
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
Yes = No
No = No
Maybe = No
I’m sorry = You’ll be sorry
I’m not yelling! = Yes I’m yelling because I think it’s important
All we’re going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that we’re stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few purses, and those sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your check book?


The Woman's Guide to Male English...

I’m hungry = I’m hungry
I’m sleepy = I’m sleepy
I’m tired = I’m tired
Do you want to go to a movie = I’d eventually like to have sex with you
Can I take you out to dinner? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you
Can I call you sometime? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you
May I have this dance? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you
Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you
What’s wrong? = I don’t see why you’re making such a big deal out of this
What’s wrong? = what meaningless, self inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
What’s wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question
I’m bored = Do you want to have sex?
I love you = Let’s have sex now
I love you, too = Okay, I said it...we’d better have sex now!
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = I liked it better before
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = $50 and it doesn’t look that much different!
Let’s talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you’d like to have sex with me
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for other men to have sex with you
I like that one better (while shopping) = Pick any frigging dress and let’s get out of here.

Foolish Pickup Lines

Try these pickup lines at your own risk.....


Apart from being sexy, what do you do for a living?

Are you a parking ticket? (What?) You got fine written all over you.

As she's leaving....Hey aren't you forgetting something? She: What? Me!

Ask a woman for the time. "10:30? So today is January 10,1999, at 10:30 PM, thanks I just wanted to be able to remember the exact moment that I met you."

Baby, somebody better call God, cuz he's missing an angel!

Baby, you must be a broom, cause you just swept me off my feet.

Can i get your picture to prove to all my friends that angels really do exist?

Can I have directions? ["To where?"] To your heart.

Coffee? Tea? Me?

Damn, if being sexy was a crime, you'd be guilty as charged!

Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me?

Do you have room in your life for another friend?

Do you have the time? [Gives the time] No, the time to write down my number?

Does Levi's pay you for wearing those and looking that good?

Does your watch have a second hand? I want to know how long it took for me to fall in love with you.

Ever since I met you, you've lived in my heart without paying any rent.

Excuse me miss, I don't mean to stare, but um I think you're really Beautiful"

Excuse me miss... Do you have a cigarette? Actually, I don't want one, I just wanted to start a conversation with you.

Excuse me, I just noticed you noticing me and I just wanted to give you notice that I noticed you too.

Excuse me, I'd like to have kids someday, and I wanted to know how your parents created such a beautiful creature.

Marriage Joke

This is what a man will say to his woman before they get married:

He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait. 

She: Do you want me to leave? 

He: No! Don't even think about it. 

She: Do you love me? 

He: Of course! Over and over! 

She: Have you ever cheated on me? 

He: No! Why are you even asking? 

She: Will you kiss me? 

He: Every chance I get. 

She: Will you hit me? 

He: Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person! 

She: Can I trust you? 

He: Yes. 

She: Darling!

And what about after they're getting married? Just read it from the bottom to top!

Manager Jokes

You don't like your boss or manager? Well you have every right to feeling like that! So, why don't we make a joke about them?

Wife and Mistress

A doctor, a lawyer and a manager were discussing the relative merits of having a wife or a mistress.
The lawyer says: "For sure a mistress is better. If you have a wife and want a divorce, it causes all sorts of legal problems."
The doctor says: "It's better to have a wife because the sense of security lowers your stress and is good for your health."
The manager says: "You're both wrong. It's best to have both so that when the wife thinks you're with the mistress and the mistress thinks you're with your wife -- you can go to the office and do some work.



Problem Solving

A new manager spends a week at his new office with the manager he is replacing. On the last day the departing manager tells him, "I have left three numbered envelopes in the desk drawer. Open an envelope if you encounter a crisis you can't solve."

Three months down the track there is a major drama, everything goes wrong - the usual stuff - and the manager feels very threatened by it all. He remembers the parting words of his predecessor and opens the first envelope. The message inside says "Blame your predecessor!" He does this and gets off the hook.

About half a year later, the company is experiencing a dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. The manager quickly opens the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize!" This he does, and the company quickly rebounds.
Three months later, at his next crisis, he opens the third envelope. The message inside says "Prepare three envelopes".


Parrot Boss

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says, "the parrot on the left costs 500 dollars".
"Why does the parrot cost so much," asks the man.The shop owner says, "well, the parrot knows how to use a computer".

The man then asks about the next parrot to be told that this one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system.
Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot to be told that it costs 2,000 dollars. Needless to say this begs the question, "What can it do?"
To which the shop owner replies, "to be honest I have never seen it do a thing, but the other two call him boss!"


A Bet

A CEO throwing a party takes his executives on a tour of his opulent mansion. In the back of the property, the CEO has the largest swimming pool any of them has ever seen. The huge pool, however, is filled with hungry alligators. The CEO says to his executives "I think an executive should be measured by courage. Courage is what made me CEO. So this is my challenge to each of you: if anyone has enough courage to dive into the pool, swim through those alligators, and make it to the other side, I will give that person anything they desire. My job, my money, my house, anything!"

Everyone laughs at the outrageous offer and proceeds to follow the CEO on the tour of the estate. Suddenly, they hear a loud splash. Everyone turns around and sees the CFO (Chief Financial Officer) in the pool, swimming for his life. He dodges the alligators left and right and makes it to the edge of the pool with seconds to spare. He pulls himself out just as a huge alligator snaps at his shoes.

The flabbergasted CEO approaches the CFO and says, "You are amazing. I've never seen anything like it in my life. You are brave beyond measure and anything I own is yours. Tell me what I can do for you."
The CFO, panting for breath, looks up and says, "You can tell me who the hell pushed me in the pool!!"


Decision Maker

The manager of a large corporation got a heart attack, and the doctor told him to go for several weeks to a farm to relax. The guy went to a farm, and after a couple of days he was very bored, so he asked the farmer to give him some job to do.

The farmer told him to clean the shit of the cows. The farmer thought that to somebody coming from the city, working the whole life sitting in an office, it will take over a week to finish the job, but for his surprise the manager finished the job in less than one day.

The next day the farmer gave to the manager a more difficult job: to cut the heads of 500 chickens. The farmer was sure that the manager will not be able to do the job, but at the end of the day the job was done.

The next morning, as most of the jobs in the farm were done, the farmer asked the manager to divide a bag of potatoes in two boxes: one box with small potatoes, and one box with big potatoes.

At the end of the day the farmer saw that the manager was sitting in front of the potatoes bag, but the two boxes were empty. The farmer asked the manager: "How is that you made such difficult jobs during the first days, and now you cannot do this simple job?"
The manager answered: "Listen, all my life I'm cutting heads and dealing with shit, but now you ask me to make decisions."

True Stories about Stupid PC Customer

"I downloaded Netscape and tried to install it. It said not to install this version if I was running Win95. So I uninstalled 95..."

Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.

An IBM customer had trouble installing software and rang for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in the third disk - I couldn't even fit it in..." The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" meant to remove Disk 1 first.

Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my Warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, It's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotion, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"
Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it." At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder.

Related Post: Another Tech Jokes

Computer Jokes

Stupid Answers

A pilot is flying a small single engine plane with a lot of really important execs on board into Seattle airport. There is fog so thick that visibility is 10m, and his instruments are out. He circles looking for a landmark and after an hour, he is low on fuel and his passengers are very nervous.
At last, through a small opening in the fog he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor.

Circling, the pilot banks and shouts through his open window: Hi, where am I?"
The solitary office worker replies: "You`re in an airplane."
The pilot executes a swift 275 degree turn and executes a perfect blind landing on the runway five miles away. Just as the plane stops, the engines cough and die from lack of fuel.
The stunned passengers asked the pilot how he did it. "Simple," replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question.
The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely useless; therefore, that must be Microsoft`s support office, and from there, the airport is just 5 miles away on a bearing of 87 degrees!"


Bill Gates in Heaven

When Bill Gates died, he went up to Heaven, where Saint Peter showed him to his house; a beautiful 20 room house, with grounds and a tennis court. Bill Gates was pleased, and spent many months enjoying the amenities of Heaven.

One day, he was enjoying one of Heaven`s many fine parks, when he ran into a man dressed in a fine tailored suit.
"That is a nice suit, my friend," said Gates. "Where did you get it?"
"Actually," the man replied, "I was given a hundred of these when I got here. I`ve been treated really well. I got a mansion on a hill overlooking a beautiful hill, with a huge five-hundred acre estate, a golf course, and three Rolls Royces."
"Were you a Pope, or a doctor healing the sick?" asked Gates.
"No," said his new friend,
"Actually, I was the captain of the Titanic."

Hearing this made Gates so angry that he immediately stalked off to find St. Peter. Cornering Peter, he told him about the man he had just met, saying,
"How could you give me a paltry new house, while you`re showering new cars, a mansion, and fine suits on the Captain of the Titanic? I invented the Windows operating system! Why does he deserve better?!!"
"Yes, but we use Windows," replied Peter, "and the Titanic only crashed once."


Windows vs Macintosh

Three Microsoft engineers and three Apple employees are traveling by train to a computer conference. At the station, the three Microsoft engineers each buy tickets and watch as the three Apple employees buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a Microsoft engineer.
"Watch and you`ll see," answers the Apple employee.

They all board the train. The Microsoft engineers take their respective seats, but all three Apple employees cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.
He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please."
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes the ticket and moves on. The Microsoft engineers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.

So after the conference, the Microsoft engineers decide to do the same on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Apple employees don`t buy any ticket, at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed Microsoft engineer.
"Watch and you`ll see," answers an Apple employee.

When they board the train the three Microsoft engineers cram into a restroom and the three Apple employees cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Apple employees leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Microsoft engineers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please..."

Another Jokes and Humors

Some Profession Jokes

Funny Story about Boss and His Employees

Boss to four of his employees: "- I'm really sorry but I'm going to have let one of you go."

Black employee: - "I'm a protected minority"

Female employee:- "And I am a woman"

Oldest employee: - "Fire me, buster, and I'll hit you with an age discrimination suit so fast it'll make your head spin"

To which they all turn to look at the helpless young, white, male employee, who thinks a moment, then responds: "I think I might be gay...".

Funny Story about Rolls Royce Loan

A businessman walks into a bank in San Francisco and asks for the loan officer. He says he is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $7,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan.

So the businessman hands over the keys to a Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the businessman returns, repays the $7,000 and the interest, which comes to $19.67. The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little confused. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What confuses us is why would you bother to borrow $7,000?"
The businessman replied, "Where else in San Francisco can I park my car for two weeks for $20 bucks?"

Real Funny Story told by a Captain of a Cruise Liner

While on a luxury cruise, the receptionist received a call from a distressed passenger. "I wish to inform you that there is a faulty electrical appliance in my suite. Could you please send someone over to have it repaired immediately?" asked a lady passenger, clearly upset.

"Certainly, I shall arrange for someone to look into the matter immediately. Which electrical appliance would that be?" asked the concierge.

"It's the microwave. I've been trying to warm up some supper for myself but the microwave wouldn't start" replied the passenger.

"The microwave, Madam?" repeated the bewildered receptionist. "Yes, the microwave. You know, the heating device that is installed in the wardrobe," replied the passenger sarcastically. "I've been trying for the past hour but my supper is still cold."

Upon arriving at the suite, the receptionist found the lady passenger standing in front of the wardrobe, pressing vigorously at the control panel of the safe deposit box installed in the wardrobe. "Let me show you how what I have been trying. I press the key in the number of minutes here, but I don't really know which one is the start button..."

Another Jokes and Humors

Animal Jokes

Another Jokes and Funny Stories....

THE CREATION STORY ~ AS TOLD BY THE CAT

On the first day of creation, God created the cat.

On the second day, God created man to serve the cat.
On the third, God created all the animals of the earth to serve as potential food for the cat.
On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the good of the cat.
On the fifth day, God created the sparkle ball so that the cat might or might not play with it.
On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the cat healthy and the man broke.
On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but he had to scoop the litter-box.

RABBIT

A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. ‘Wow, this is great,’ he thought.

It wasn’t long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.

“Hey,” he called. “I’m a rabbit from the laboratory and I’ve just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?”

“Yes. Come and join us,” they cried.

Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good. “What else do you wild rabbits do?” he asked.

“Well,” one of them said. “You see that field there? It’s got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them.”

This, he couldn’t resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful.

Later, he asked them again, “What else do you do?”

“You see that field there? It’s got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well.”

The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full. “Is there anything else you guys do?” he asked.

One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly. “There’s one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there, “he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. “They’re girls. We shag them. Go and try it.”

Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning shagging his little heart out until, completely spent, he staggered back over to the guys.

“That was fantastic,” he panted.

“So are you going to live with us then?” one of them asked.

“I’m sorry, I had a great time but I can’t.”

The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised.

“Why? We thought you liked it here.”

“I do,” our friend replied. “But I must get back to the laboratory.
I’m dying for a cigarette!”

Funny Ads

Some of The World’s Funniest Real Ads

Believe it or not, these ads actually found their way into newspapers all over the world:

Braille dictionary for sale. Must see to appreciate.

FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.

Help wanted, singer for rock band. Must be female or male.

Wanted, man to take care of cows that does not smoke or drink.

Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit sharing and flexible hours. Starting pay: $7 -- $9 per hour.

Full sized mattress. 20 year warranty. Like New. Slight urine smell.

Free Yorkshire Terrier: 8 years old. Hateful little dog.

Free puppies: ½ cocker spaniel, ½ sneaky neighbor’s dog.

Free puppies: part German Shepherd, part stupid dog.

German Shepherd, 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free.

Snow Blower for sale…only used on snowy days.

Nice Parachute – Never opened. Used once.

Hummels – Largest selection ever. "If it’s in stock, then we have it!"

Shakespeare’s Pizza. Free chopsticks.